Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
