Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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