Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Houston, we have a blender
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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