How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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