why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
