yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize