Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
