Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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