I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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