I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
