wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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