If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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