Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
