My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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