Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Do vagina's smell?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
soo... how was my night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
