4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize