I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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