we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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