Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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