My cat gives me a boner
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
