I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Randomize
