You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
