She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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