I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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