Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
