her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
