well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
