Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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