UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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