TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
