Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
