I can text with my tongue
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
