Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize