either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
