Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
