I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
