my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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