i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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