It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize