Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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