I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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