How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
