Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
