Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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