problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We are all done wearing pants today
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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