Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
