No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
sex in a hospital.. check
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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