I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
