My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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