I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
