He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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