Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
