Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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