There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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