i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
