sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
