Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
