yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
