i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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